Tackling Your Emotions and Money
I recently had the pleasure of running the Tackling Your Emotions and Money workshop at the Self Worth Conference 2019 from Behold.Her. As someone that used to struggle with student debt myself, I was so excited to dive deep and give advice for participants to improve their relationships with money.
Disclaimer: includes affiliate links to products and services I personally use or strongly believe in.
SPOILER ALERT: You’re not alone if you struggle with emotions about money, and there are actions you can take to get to a place where money makes you feel good. I promise.
Below is a recap of the major takeaways that came out of the workshop, thanks to those who bravely volunteered to talk about their emotions and money.
People have a LOT of feelings about money
During the workshop, I asked participants to volunteer a good or bad emotion they had recently experienced with money. The list was long:
Good
Control
Freedom
Flexibility
Lifestyle
Progress
Stability
Having choices
Abundance
Confidence
Bad
Guilt (usually, for wanting nice things or family expectations)
Hopelessness
Helplessness
Instability
Fear
Judgment
Confusion
Anxiety
Feeling like you should know more, or don’t know enough
Complacency
Shame
And all of these are totally normal!
A recent study found that 62 percent of millennials are living paycheck to paycheck. Another found that 85 percent of people sometimes stress about money, and 30 percent are "constantly" stressed. Yikes.
This is why we need more people talking about it. Don't have a workshop to bring it up? What about the dinner table? What about at brunch? This could be as simple as asking a friend how they're saving or spending for the holidays? Or how your parents plan to retire? Bringing money out into the open is the first step to having control and generating more.
“Thank you for creating a space to share what emotions have impacted our financial health and ways to address them.”
2. There are many societal and cultural reasons why people feel bad about money — particularly for women.
Money is something over 7 billion people on the planet deal with every day. Yet, it’s something we are often taught not to speak about — that it’s rude to ask questions about money, ungrateful or greedy to want to make more. What many don’t realize, is that not talking about it prevents us from learning and taking action when it comes to our money.
There are also legal and cultural influences that impact how we think about money, particularly for women. For example, it was not until the Equal Credit Opportunity Act of 1974 that banks could not discriminate access to credit on the basis of sex, race, color, religion or marital status. Similarly, it wasn’t until 1988 that women no longer needed a male relative to co-sign a business loan.
To be clear, this does not limit one’s ability or responsibility to understand how money works, but it does mean that women have had less time to get comfortable and educated about money, relative to their male peers. By talking about the emotions we have about money, we open up the discussion to learn more about what actions we can take to improve our financial futures.
3. Negative emotions about money often stem from something we were taught, a lack of knowledge about money, or our relationships.
Often times when people feel down about money, they either a) were taught to feel that way, b) lack information about money, which can make you feel not in control of it, or c) lack boundaries in their relationships with people, where money inevitable comes into play.
For example:
Being scared to ask for a raise because you think you'll come off greedy to your employer.
Feeling hopeless about your finances because you lack a plan of action to pay off your debt.
Being scared that your friends will look down on you tell them a restaurant isn’t in your budget.
Family expectations where you’re expected to share your wealth or contribute, with no boundaries as to where that sharing stops.
Sound familiar?
Sometimes people struggle with money because they literally don’t make enough to cover the bills. What's more likely, however, is that you lack information about managing your money, or it’s impacting your relationships with people. That said, it may be helpful to think through where your feelings about money really stem from, to better address the root issue at hand.
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4. We forget how often money and people intersect.
Even if you never talk about money, it is likely impacting every relationship you have in your life, with your partner, family, friends, employer – even the guy behind the checkout counter at Target. Money is also a part of major life events, from someone else's wedding to your own, birthdays, holidays and family gatherings.
A major takeaway from the workshop was the importance of talking about money and setting boundaries in your relationships when it comes up. How much are you willing to spend for a particular event, or over the course of a year? Having this discussion or setting a cap in your budget will not only give you peace of mind, by having a number you’re comfortable with, but it may also help set expectations, making for a less stressful relationship with family and friends.
5. There are actions you can take.
In the workshop we discussed actions participants can take to feel better about money, reduce their levels of anxiety or stress, set boundaries and improve their financial knowledge.
Anxiety or stress - Having a realistic budget or financial plan can help take your anxiety out of the picture. Even if your progress is slower than you’d like, at least you’ll know you're moving closer towards a goal. Don’t have a budget? Check this out.
Guilt - If you expect or enjoy spending money on your extended family or friends, set a yearly budget line item to make sure you don’t go overboard. For example, you will spend $500 per year on wedding gifts and another $500 at Christmas.
In some cultures, this may require a tough conversation. Try explaining that you cannot save or invest to build the generational wealth they would want for your family if you are sharing all of those assets with others. This may help reframe the conversation.
Helplessness - Feeling helpless or hopeless as a result of large debt is extremely common. While it can be easy to avoid looking at your debt, focus on what you can do to get help. Can you build a budget that allows for small, additional payments on your debt? Can you speak to a free, credit counseling service?
Inadequacy – In the workplace, it can be easy to equate your self worth to your salary. While your salary does not define you, it doesn’t make it any less frustrating when you feel you deserve to make more. Consider working up a series of key performance indicators with your supervisor that you can strive to meet and demonstrate your value. Want a raise while you’re at it? Check out this article to Negotiate Your Salary Like a Boss.
Fear – A lot of times fear surrounding money comes from a lack of knowledge. Not knowing how much we’re going to make? How much will this cost? Will I ever pay off my debt? Etc. This makes sense because people are often scared of what they don’t know. So what’s the fix? Start getting educated. Subscribe to the #FinLit blog (for financial literacy) or check out these free tools to get started.
Thank you to all the workshop participants that were brave and open enough to share your stories with me. For those still looking for more guidance, feel free to shoot me an email at info@beworthfinance.com. I'm happy to get in touch and talk through how we can get you feeling strong about yourself and your money.
